Raw Truth;;

Ive written this and deleted it for some days now. I always feel like my conversations consist of nothing but sad stuff, or I feel like I'm being negative about it all but I also feel like better days are to come at some point and for now well they aren't the best of days and Im okay with that. Well Im not.. but I'm okay with that. Im enrolled in 5 college classes this semester and its really not going so well. I don't have the energy for it all. Most days we smile and laugh and try and find the great things in every situation but my damn thoughts when the world stops are destroying me. Im so angry, everyday I'm so angry. I had a conversation with Jordan a couple months ago and I apologized for being so short tempered and I told him I would work on it but Im back to this hole now. Im trying everyday Im trying to be positive and be grateful for my blessed life but Im angry. I feel like I'm just writing in circles. Dealing with all this has been so hard, I think it's because now it's became like real. Like it isn't in a couple years this will happen its happening like now. Its been 3 weeks now and Jordan has been choking on his saliva about twice weekly and its my damn biggest fear! I truly feel like I wont be able to get him out of it one day and its scaring me. He's trying so hard but I know he is scared too and that makes me feel even worse. Everyday I wake up trying to find different hobbies to try and see if they make me feel better but everyday I don't find the energy to even attempt them. In these situations we also think about our spouses right,, and the things we put them through and well truthfully no one really has to deal with your craziness but many times I feel like I have to tell my loved ones that yes I know Im so guarded and Im more than likely not going to respond to your message because I don't want to talk about it but please don't stop reaching out I need the support more now than ever but I think I don't speak like that because I've realized that not everybody is emotionally strong enough at times to deal with someone else and there emotional problems. Im hoping though that soon i'll get myself out of this hole and just enjoy the small moments and just be present. I'm working towards those days not only for myself but for Jordan.

---