Stages;;

I wish there was a guide on the stages of grief. I wish I knew if my feelings are valid or if they are odd because to myself they seem odd. As his disease progressed I started to feel like when we go through a heart break or better yet I must say what people say it feels like when you go through a heart break and they say we build this wall around us and shut others out. Since we were hurt it's hard to accept anyone in again or be open to anything or anyone. I already am not the most affectionate person but I found myself not wanting to deal with the challenges that came with my sons life and as a parent it sucks to even admit that. Hugging him or loving on him seemed difficult and I couldn't explain it to myself or even had the courage to say it to others. I struggled to understand these feelings and fought so hard against them but they were far more powerful than I was. 2 years ago I finally faced some challenges I needed to face within my personal life. Jordans life hasn't been my only struggle I needed to face some childhood traumas and I needed to let them go and accept them. That was a huge task in itself but I finally faced them instead of running from them and was able to be okay with them and put them behind me. I cant say I'm perfect and that Im just the best human being now but I have learned to be happier and be more present. Jordan is so affectionate and loving and its not that I ever pushed him away but I did in a way. I didn't know how to return the love and affection he would give me and when I finally realized that well he didn't choose this life and he had no control over it I forced myself to get over this stage of grief. Or stage of survival, I don't know, I don't know what others call it or what it is really. I finally realized that this was hurting me more than it was helping me. I was going to end up with regrets and thats the last thing I wanted. I still look back at a lot of situations that I wish I could have done differently when it comes to his life but I'm proud of how far I have emotionally came in the last 6 years that we have been diagnosed. I was trying to do way too much and it caused so much trouble and turbulence in my personal life. From all this as we continue to fight I have learned that I need to learn to balance it all. Life wont stop for any of us and as it gets harder for Jordan Im becoming wiser and learning how to react to situations and grow in situations but more importantly everyday I am learning to be the best I can be that day for him and Ellie.

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